I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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