There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
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