i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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