Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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