i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
