I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
