So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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