the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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