Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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