At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Randomize
