I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
