I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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