We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I need moral support for this bender
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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