Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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