Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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