I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Randomize
