So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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