Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
