I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
