so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
