he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
