omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
