I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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