Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
