did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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