My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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