if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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