By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
