she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
