Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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