Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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