He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
