frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Floor bacon is actually really good
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
