i was rollin on her like bob the builder
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Randomize
