I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
