I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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