I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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