My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
