im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
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