We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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