girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
