if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
