My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
