Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Randomize
