I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
