I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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