I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
