I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
