Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Randomize
