Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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