Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
