I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
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