the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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